There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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