why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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