your thong is hanging out like whoa
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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