Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
