Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
