i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
