i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
