so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
