No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
