My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
