Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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