I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
