All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
