apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
