Soap is not a condiment
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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