He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
