Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
