Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
