I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
