Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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