i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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