She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
last night I used snow as a chaser
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize