Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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