well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
