i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
