My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
