You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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