life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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