Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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