I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
