im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
