That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
