I think my vagina is haunted
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
