The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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