Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
