A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
