He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
