I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
