I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
