ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
