Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
