If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
