can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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