anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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