Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
