wake up i wanna do it froggy style
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
