worst night to have a conscience
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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