Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize