On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
