I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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