Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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