Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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