yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
