i jhust puked up my retainher.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
