i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
