either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
