What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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