holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
