Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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