You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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