I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
time to smoke my breakfast
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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