The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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