How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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