she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize