What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
