There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
