the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
