First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
