Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
